Thursday, May 5, 2011

Scared of Me

Fear has been ever so present in my life over the past semester. I hate it. I get scared. Scared of judgement. Scared of failing. Scared of making a fool out of myself. Scared of sounding dumb. Scared of me.

I've been scared this past semester of different things. I was scared during Millie that I would forget part of the dances or would trip while doing cross over moves. I was scared before my end of the year theatre reviews. I was worried I wouldn't get my monologues done, and I was scared the professors would rip me apart. I was scared for my voice recital because I've never sang in front of any one. I was scared that I wouldn't be prepared to fly to Birmingham and start rehearsing. I was a scaredy-cat.

There were 2 things last week during my last week at HPU this year that enlightened me. The incidents occurred on the same day...a few days after realizing how fearful I am. I can't remember one of the things that happened, but I really remember one of them. I visited one of my theatre professors offices one afternoon just to talk. I met with Ed Simpson, our department chair, who I like to think of as a wise grandfather figure who always has a moral to his story. In our conversation I asked him what kind of material he had been working on since he was a playwright. He said he's always working on something and was in the process of getting another play published. I then asked him how he got into writing, how he writes and why he writes. He started writing while working at a small university...he was able to get thoughts out, get his students to read and act it out so he could see what worked and didn't work. He told me he had no idea what he was getting himself into and really worked at it because he didn't want to look like a fool.
He didn't want to submit an awful play that publishers would read and laugh at the amateur writing. But, he said he got to a point where he didn't care. Once he let go of fear and didn't care of what people thought... he was able to fully commit and create original material that was developed. He didn't care about looking dumb, he didn't care what others thought, he didn't care if he failed...he committed and persevered.

I've come to the conclusion that I really need to stop caring about judgement. It doesn't matter if I may fail. Who cares if I look dumb? Who are you to judge if I'm just doing things and being me? So what if my voice isn't perfect? What are you gunna say if I trip while dancing? Should I care what you think if I miss a line in my monologue? Why should I even care about your criticism and judgement? I shouldn't.

This week working for Student Life and having to jump into a group of people I've never met has been tough. I've had to make big acting choices that people didn't expect. I had to jump up and sing a song on the spot. I've had to really open up quickly and let people know me. I've been a little out of my comfort zone. But it's been comforting. Because I know it doesn't matter what they think and I know they won't judge me harshly. As long as my motives are right and I'm being myself...I think that's all that matters. I have no reason to be afraid. My God strengthens me, comforts me, and loves me. He has called me by name and I am His. Not someone elses to to be judged. Not someone elses to be afraid.

So stop being scared...because for me, fear is being crushed.

Psalm 34:4 - "I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears."

1 comment:

  1. proud to call you my best friend, B. you're on to great things :)