Monday, February 7, 2011


Alright, so a lot of people tell me I'm a good writer, I should blog more or whatever. While I do enjoy the comments, criticisms, and accolades, I really only right for myself and to get thoughts/feelings out. Like I've told people before, something has to hit me to make me write. And within the past few days, a lot of things have hit me...different things coming from different directions and at different times. So, I'm gunna write.

While all I really want to do is go on a rant...I'm not going to, because I don't like to write about negative thing. So, instead of a rant, I'm going to try and ramble about different things in an attempt to find a place where I am content with what I have written, and have had a "lightbulb" moment.

I'm at this point right now where I am being selfish; I want to know. I want to know. I WANT to know. I want to KNOW. I want to know what to do right now, and I want to know what's going to happen different aspects of my life. For me, it's kind of a weird feeling...because I am an in the moment kind of person rather than future oriented. I like to live as if I have no idea what's going on a day from now, what I have scheduled next month, and where I will be in a few years. It's useless to plan and to "see" yourself somewhere in the future because that's where YOU see yourself. ...God can strip that away in a hot minute because He has His plan. And ultimately, that's what is going to happen. I really think that way...but right now I'm selfish.

I want to know what to do in current situations. I want to know when to let someone go. I want to know when to stop helping someone and looking out for them, when they don't even care to help themselves. I want to know why I'm in situations I am in. I want to know why I was left to build up and lead HPU's first improv troupe. I want to know why I am a theatre major. I want to know if I will actually make it in acting. I want to know what to do when people shove my faults in my face. I want to know what to do when rage and anger take over me. I want to know what to do when I'm full of pride and joy. I want to know what people think about me. I want to know why people think the way they do about me. I want to know why I stand my ground and don't shape myself around peoples views of me. I want to know why some people don't have a backbone. I want...

I'm selfish right now. I think at this particular point in time I've gotten to a point where I'm tired of investing so much into so many people and things. I have broken myself up and given myself to a lot of things, when really I want to take it all back and just do me. I want to quit theatre when I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to drop improv when things aren't falling into place. I want to quit school because its hard and it's stressful. I want to sever my ties with those who bring me negativity. I want to crash my truck when I realize it needs more work done to it. I want to quit my jobs when I realize the pay isn't right. I want....

Damn I'm selfish.

Really when I look at every thing I want or want to do, it leads to nothing. Really, it does...because once we get what we want, we are never satisfied...we keep wanting more. We are selfish human beings who can never get enough. Desires lead to death. Think about it.

This list is not for me, or whoever reads this...its just for anyone and everyone to just think about:

Why do we want a material item when we know we will only want 1 more or the newer version later?
Why do you hook up with a girl, when you know it will make you want to or lead you to hook up with just 1 more?
Why do we enjoy love, because you know we only want to be loved just a little more?
Why do we like attention, you know you just want more of it.
Why do people work're never going to get to a point where you're satisfied with your looks.

I don't know...a lot of these questions are legitimate, and some aren't...but they just make me think in general. I just know that we are selfish people with selfish desires, and selfish desires lead to negative outcomes. I get it, but I don't. I just know that I want to find a balance between selflessness and selfishness.

I don't know mannn, but I'm thinkin. Everyone should think.

"I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring 'em to the light for you, it's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life." -Kid Cudi